There are no words.

I really don’t know what to say.

Should I talk about going to the farmer’s market this morning and the hilarity of my girls eating a ginormous caramel apple, so big it required two sticks and corn-on-the-cob style eating? How the caramel covered all 20 of their fingers and both noses and all four cheeks? How I am so completely enchanted by childhood and the exuberent way my children attack life?

Should I talk about how mightily I enjoyed watching my twenty-two month old splashing in the buff in the wading pool? How adorable he was, doggedly filling his bucket and pouring out the water, over and over and over? How I sniggered to myself when he tried to put his boy parts into the garden hose?

Should I talk about the books I’ve been reading lately, or the 10ยข copies of old Real Simple magazine I’m enjoying from time to time when I have a spare minute?

Or about the super delicious strawberry shortcake we had for lunch today, with strawberries plucked this very day?

Or about how I planted two tomato plants and dug out some thistles and got very very tired?

Or about how beyond thrilled I am for my dear friend who is on her way to Bulgaria to bring home her new daughter, a daughter we’ve been praying for for years?

Or should I talk about how my sister and brother-in-law are moving far far away today and taking my children’s only cousins with them? How I’m completely woebegone that our and their relationships will never be the same? How I’m at the same time trying with all my heart to cheer them on, as they face this new endeavor and start a new chapter in their lives, even though it hurts like anything that it won’t include us?

Or should I talk about our trip to St. Louis and Springfield? How terrific it was to have pretty well behaved children on the long drives? How fun it was to see my brother? The enjoyment of going to the zoo? The pleasure of hearing Cadrian squeal his thirlled squeal every. single. time we went into our hotel lobby and saw the fountain?

How I relished spending time with my aunt Barb, just talking? Watching her cross-stitch with my daughter? How I luxuriated in someone taking such a loving, unqualified interest in me and my kids?

How I was entertained by my uncle Phil who knows so much about anything? How I learned about all the plans he has for their property? How I got all excited to try Square Foot Gardening, like he is? How inspired I am by all the remodeling projects he’s doing to their house? How amusing it was to watch my children interact with him? How much I’ve learned from him?

Or should I talk about the shock and the pain of arriving at their house for our farewell luncheon to find out my uncle had died? Died of a sudden heart attack at the age of 54? The man who was a fixture in our lives, in my aunt’s life? The man who she’d been with since she was 14? The man who had already survived so much?

I don’t know what to say.

There are no words.

4 thoughts on “There are no words.

  1. First, blessings be with you for your loss. I must say it is wonderful to spend time around children who have such an exuberance for life.

  2. OH Jess, I am so sorry. It is unthinkable and unfathomable when we lose someone suddenly.

    My friend (36) just lost her husband (together 20yrs) suddenly. Also a heart-attack at our local gym 10days ago. He was fit, healthy. He leaves her with their two kids 6,11.

    Life is so fleeting and so often leaves us reeling in agony as we prepare our hearts to look forward, while not forgetting those that have passed, as we know He is always in control.

    Hugs to you in this extremely difficult time.

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