I just have to say

That I have the best friends and family in the whole world! I just got an email from someone who loves me. My first response to seeing that I had an email was “What does she want?” Not because she’s like that, but because everything, and I mean everything, is just a colossal effort these days, even opening emails from people I love. Instead of feeling glad to go somewhere, be invited to do something, or get a phone call, as I used to be, now it seems like a chore. I know it’s part of the PPD, but I hate being that way. Anyway, she just wrote to encourage me and ask if she could help in any way. I have had a lot of people make similar offers, and pray for me, and give up time for me. I am so grateful.

I HATE feeling this way. I’m so blessed. It’s like I have a tape of negativity going round in my head and I can’t seem to find my old self. My counselor says that I’m doing well and just about where she would expect me to be. I want to just flip a switch and be better. She also said that if God just made be better, I wouldn’t deal with what I need to deal with emotionally, and things would just go back to how they’ve always been.

Always give thanks to God the Father for everything. Ephesians 5:20

Father God, I thank you for this depression, this post-partum psychosis. Please use it to teach me what You want me to learn. I am Your girl, Lord, and always will be. I want to maximize the talents and gifts You have given me, and live the life You want me to live, so that You will be proud of me, and say “Well Done!” I want to love people like You love people. If this depression is what I needed to increase my reliance on You, then let it happen. Give me Your wisdom, and Your strength, and most of all, You. I love you Lord. All my life, Jessica

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