My house is quiet. My girls are at their grandma’s. I’m in my flannel pants and favorite sweatshirt Maxine - Sweatshirt and don’t really know what to do with myself. I want to go upstairs and make some cards. I also want to take a nap. I want to read a book, and I want to watch a movie. And most of all, I want to not do anything at all.

I was sick most of the day yesterday–I slept off and on until 4! Kevin was able to be inside part of the day and then took the girls with him to go pick up some augers he had ordered. Huge blessing. I don’t know when the last time was that I just slept until I woke up. I was thankfully able to sleep the whole night through (minus getting up twice with Aviana, and for over an hour starting at 4:30 with Brielle) Strangely, I’m still a little tired, but nothing like the bone numbing exhaustion I’ve come to know so well, a mode under which I seem to operate as normal.

I’m feeling really reflective and melancholy which is an odd fit for me. A mood I’m not used to, that hangs at awkward angles on the edges of my heart and I don’t quite know what to do with it.

My aunt died today. She went Home and she is not in pain any longer, which having suffered with rheumatoid arthritis these past 15 years, is a huge blessing. I am sad for my cousins, one of whom is expecting a Lily-baby at the end of the month. I’m sad for my second cousins, who will never know first hand how funny and thoughtful and kind and generous was their grandma. I’m sad for my dad, who tried so hard to be there for his nephew, but was stuck in an elevator at her passing, so my cousin was alone as she left this world.

I’m also sad because it forces me to reflect on our own mortality, and to remember, as my mom is fond of saying, “We’re only a breath away from death.” Well, maybe she’s not fond of saying it, but you know what I mean. In our family, we talk about death. We talk about how we want our arrangements. We talk about the afterlife and how good it will be to see Jesus face to face and fall in God’s arms.

As for me, I want to be cremated, and buried under the willow tree. Right now the willow tree is only a four foot tall stick, but hopefully there will be a willow tree under which to be buried. I don’t want my family to spend lots and lots of money on the funeral. I want there to be singing and some tears. I want there to be people who say, “My life is different because I knew her.” I want there to be people who say, “I’m going to be in Heaven because of her witness, because of the way she lived her life. I wanted have what she had.” I want there to be people who say, “She lived well.”

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