God is good. He’s a Healing God. I had a sunshiny day today, for which I am grateful.
Aviana stayed over at Grandma’s last night, so no five a.m. “Mama! Mama!” Kevin and I were able to spend some quality time together –relaxing. Oh so sweet.
Around eleven, I went over to pick up Aviana and we headed to the gym. I feel energized just saying ‘the gym’. Both girls (this is the first time I’ve been apart from Brielle, except once I left her with my dad) did dandily in “Kid’s Club” while I worked out and encouraged a pregnant girl on the machine beside me to go ahead and try for her VBAC. I joined the gym and signed the paperwork while Aviana chatted the entire time. One of her cutenesses now is to cock her head to the side, and say “Yes you may…” Like “Yes, you may have a dwink of Mama’s soda”. She’s asking permission. So I told her she could have a drink out of the soda bottle, and after she did, she said all shocked-“Dat’s WATER!” I had refilled a soda bottle for my water bottle, as I am probably the only person in America who doesn’t drink bottled water. Poor thing. I felt like I had tricked her. ANYWAY…
We went to Sam’s for diapers and gas. Of course I ended up buying more than just diapers (strawberries, snack mix and a GI-NORMOUS box of Life cereal, if you must know). Aviana did wonderfully, and Brielle fell asleep nursing inside of the wrap. I sometimes feel as if it’s my duty to educate the world about baby wearing. At first I kind of liked the attention, but now I don’t want to feel so abnormal.
I pushed it a little too hard though because both girls cried almost the entire way home. We have tried giving Brielle a pacifier (calling it the Car Only Device) but it only seems to work 30% of the time. I did get a little peace during Aviana’s long nap, but only if I held Brielle. Still. She woke up every time I moved. The longest nap she got was at Sam’s Club.
Aviana woke up crying and couldn’t stop for a really long time, and Brielle echoed her sentiment (for the whole evening) But people in our homegroup were praying for me and it felt SO WONDERFUL to have someone praying out loud for me. And when we got home, Kevin thanked me for letting him go combine this afternoon. Thanked me. Wow. That’s big.
About the healing I mentioned God does? This depression goes deeper than the hormones run amok and crazy baby chemicals. There is stuff. A lot of stuff. From growing up, from poor decisions that I made as a teen and in my early 20’s, some stuff I blocked out but know is there and some stuff that just happened. I have a lot of forgiveness to dole out and a lot of anger to work through. I haven’t been wholly honest with anyone in a VERY long time, most of all God. In light of the fact that part of this depression stems from putting stuff inside me, instead of bringing it out and laying in God’s lap to deal with, I’ve decided that I’m going to work some of this outside of me. In print. Some on here. Some in a journal.
I used to be so regular about journaling–but writing it makes it real. Makes it memorable. Gives it (whatever the it is) life. Helps.