My mother-in-law: You have me scared to death!
Me: I’m just sitting here.
MIL: Aviana tells me that you’re going to have a home birth and that she gets to watch.
Me(somewhat intentionally obtuse): Well, we haven’t decided that yet, it depends on how she is acting during the process.
(We told Aviana not to say anything, that our home birth was going to be a ‘surprise’ for Grandma, precisely because I didn’t want to have this conversation!)
MIL:Home birth worries me. It just isn’t safe. What if…blah blah blah (goes on and on in that vein a while.)
Me: Quotes some statistics about all the other “civilized” countries that promote home birth and have better outcomes than we do. Talks about the qualifications of hired midwife. Ect. Ect. You know me, I love my children. I would never do anything to put one of them in harm’s way.
MIL: Home birth worries me. It just isn’t safe. What if…blah blah blah You’re not going to convince me.
Me: Then why bring it up? I’ve done a lot of research about this. I feel totally comfortable with this decision and Kevin does too. You can meet with our midwife if you ‘d like. I can give you as much information and statistics as you’d like.
MIL: Home birth worries me. It just isn’t safe. What if…blah blah blah You’re not going to convince me.
back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.
It makes me sigh resignedly even now. I was respectful the whole time. I understand where she is coming from, I really do. I feel badly even, that she and my father-in-law buy into the whole doctors as gods mentality, and refuse to learn more about other options.
This isn’t an issue I feel I need to defend. I make all the choices I make based on as much information as I can get my hands on, based on what Kevin and I think is best for our family, based on what we interpret is Biblical. We do the best we can.
I just hate conflict. I hate feeling like I’m disrespecting someone-especially a parent. I hate bad vibes regarding our birth. I hate not having resolution.
I hate everyone just not agreeing with me, and saying, “You’re the best Jessica, you know best. We completely trust, adore, and revere you. You just go ahead and do what you think is best. We support you regardless.”
I’m enjoying your blog so much. I had 2 relatively normal vaginal births and if we have a 3rd, I’d definitely consider having a home birth, too! May God give you strength to endure it (the in-laws and the birth)!!!
I can’t believe I just wrote you this long comment, but it disappeared…ARGH!! So, I’ll try to rewrite it…
For the record, I have a friend with 10 children, 8 of whom were born at home..all healthy.
I know how you feel about defending our decisions. Both sets of parents totally disagreed with us about homeschooling. My MIL even worked at a public school. But, after both sets spoke to “professional” teachers who told them how wonderful hs is, they changed their minds. My mom still doesn’t like it, but deals with it since she has no choice. The kicker?? I’m a “professional” teacher with a teaching degree!! lol Sometimes I think they feel that we think they made the wrong choices in their lives and that’s why they criticize our choices. My MIL said more than once, “Well, we didn’t know about homeschooling.” See?
As for the “docs as gods” thing: Be patient with your MIL. This having to be your own advocate is new to them. It’s their generation and those before them. When they were all coming up, the docs did know it all. They knew the docs were in medicine for the patients, not themselves. Now, since the insurance and drug companies are involved, you have good reason to question a dr’s motives. They’re just not used to that. THey’re having to learn how to deal with docs all over again. We’ve had to work with our moms on asking a dr. WHY they have to take this or that or WHY they have to have a certain procedure done. We are the first generation to have info available to us and the need to use it to be our own advocates. It’s new to them, so be patient with them.
We’ll pray that your MIL comes around about the birth. She’s just worried about you and the baby. It’s hard to be a mom and step aside, keep your mouth closed, and watch your kids make choices, esp when you think it’s the wrong choice. She loves you and Kevin and just wants what’s best. Be patient with her. You’re a mommy and you’ll be there someday. 🙂
Sorry this is so long. Hope it helps. Blessings. 🙂
Prayers for you! I faced a difficult in-law situation with my fourth child (they wanted us to stop at 2 and didn’t speak to us for days after we announced #4). That kind of conflict is so difficult and hurtful.
If I had access to a midwife, I would definitely have had the last one at home. I was fed up with the hospital mentality of intervention and rushing the natural process. Wishing you a beautiful birth experience and healing for the conflict you’re experiencing. For the record: You’re the best Jessica, you know best. We completely trust, adore, and revere you. You just go ahead and do what you think is best. We support you regardless.
There – you have your affirmation!
Oh you guys! Thank you so much. I have tears streaming down my face right now.
(not that I’m hormonal or anything)
“You’re the best Jessica, you know best. We completely trust, adore, and revere you. You just go ahead and do what you think is best. We support you regardless.”
That’s just what I think… :)!
But seriously, you do love your children, and you guys made a very educated decision. Coming from someone who has had three homebirths – you will never regret it. It will be one of the most amazing experiences of your life.
I know how you feel – I hate conflict too- but don’t let someone steal your joy.
-Andrea
Hey, you’re the best Jessica, you know best. We completely trust, adore, and revere you. You just go ahead and do what you think is best. We support you regardless.
🙂
I know what you’re going through, girl. I went through it with my mom, dad, MIL, (would have gone through it with FIL if he had been in the picture at the time, I’m 100% sure!), and so many others. It just makes you want to shout, ‘Will you please just shut up and trust us to do what’s best for the baby and me!!’
However, speaking from experience, I would advise you not to shout things like that. It tends to make for some really, really awkward situations. Seriously!
It’s easy for us to say, ‘Don’t let their words get you down, Jessica,’ but in reality, it’s really hard to ignore the naysayers. Lean on Kevin, trust God, and I for one can’t wait to read about the absolutely amazing homebirth experience I trust God you’re going to have. 🙂
We’ve been getting all the ‘three children is more than enough’ advice from so many sides of the family … and we don’t even know if we’re planning on having a fourth! The criticism can be really hard to handle, especially when it’s incessant and coming from all sides. Many prayers going out to you, hon!!!
~Brea