You may remember that I’m revamping my parenting around here. We stopped using physical discipline in our repertoire this spring. I’m also working on no yelling. This is SO HARD. I want to blame my upbringing, the only modeling I had, my naturally loud voice, the general chaos around me, the fallacy some kids just need yelled at because they tune everything else out, anything I could blame for my yelling.
But really, the fault behind my yelling problem lies with me.
Last month I felt embarrassed by the (albeit definitely not acceptable) actions of one of my children in a public setting and I berated that child all. the. way. home. from. town. It was terrible. I would tell myself to shut up and I would, and then I would start spewing verbal bile right out again. That day I promised that I would never do that again. I set small goals for myself.
Just get through the day. Just get through another day. I read encouraging blogs. (The Orange Rhino and Dulce de Leche are two of them). I prayed. I journaled. I explored my childhood hurts more. I had a plan. I was accountable to people. Suddenly it was a week, and I hadn’t yelled. I may have talked sharply. I may have raised my voice a bit. I may have gotten frustrated and irritated and lots of other “ateds” but I didn’t yell. I am giving myself grace. A lot of grace. This is a new skill. My family is detoxing from the authoritarian parenting we’ve been doing for 9 year.
Then another week. I was feeling like this was actually possible–raising children without yelling. Truly being a gentle parent. Soon it was three weeks. Could I make it a whole month?
And then there was today. I woke up emotionally drained from a spectacularly rough day yesterday, as well as physically tired because I couldn’t sleep and watched trashy tv until 2 a.m. I was handling life fairly well until Aviana broke a dish that shattered into a billion minute shards all over the peninsula and both sides of the kitchen. Of course everyone was barefoot. I shooed everyone out to the living room. I shooed Denton out of the kitchen five times. Then I looked up from picking up pieces of glass to see him kneeling in broken glass and I ROARED at my sweet almost three year old “GET. OUT. OF. THE. KITCHEN!!”
I should have taken him to Kevin and made sure he was going to stay there, peacefully, calmly. All I could think about was getting the glass picked up first, and then I was afraid he would get glass stuck in his knees and legs and I couldn’t think of anything to do. I just reacted.
I thought maybe I can excuse that slip up under the heading “dire circumstances”, and still count this as a no yelling day. But then, (much later, after several small people yelled at me, tantrums, dinner, crying small fry, losing parts of our brand.new.game., arguing with me and each other, bicker, bicker, boss, boss, bicker) Cadrian kept getting out of bed, acting like he’d never been put there to begin with. I was cool.
I sent him back to bed. Several times. I was chill.
He commenced a fit. A yelling. Screaming. LOUD. Fit. I was done.
I went in to talk to him, and discovered he had gotten out a dozen wooden puzzles, when we had just cleaned up his room, and knocked down the shelf which had more puzzles on it, in the process.
“Cadrian!” (in my Orc voice) “When we put you to bed, we expect you to stay in bed! BE QUIET! (now in my MEAN Orc voice) “You are NOT to get out toys! You are NOT to make messes! You are NOT to throw fits! YOU STAY IN BED! NOW YOU BE QUIET!!”
And just like that, I blew my record. I went back to count and ironically, today would have been 31 days of no (real) yelling.
So we begin again tomorrow. As always, His mercies are new every morning. He has grace for me. I have grace for my children. We can do this. I can be a peaceful parent. I can completely retrain my brain. I can change the modeling I give my children. I will have self control. I can overcome my upbringing. I have a new heart within me.
They are precious gifts. They deserve to be brought up with peace filled gentleness.
I really appreciate this post. Being a military family, we live a life of authority and parent with what we know. I am not proud of this. As I observe parents who are gentle with their kids I always wish that were me. Their kids seem to be more confident and at peace. We don't use physical punishment, never have. Too many years as a social worker and knowing the temper that I have just waiting to come out made that decision for us early on. I am guilty of the non-stop berating. When I finally calm down I wonder what I have done to the heart of my child, the child that God gave me the responsibility to bring up in his image. Please keep posting on this topic. I'll be praying for peace in both our households.
"When I finally calm down I wonder what I have done to the heart of my child." Yep. This.
Ditto. Guess there are lots of us well intentioned but overwhelmed mommies out there. I love The Orange Rhino and have also made this a pledge. It's a constant struggle. Thanks so much for sharing so honestly. Grace is my word for this year. For my kids AND myself!
(((hugs)))
Leslie
Thank you for sharing this. Reading it challenged me {and my husband, as I shared your post with him}, a fellow homeschooling mama of 5 blessings, to rethink my mothering–to stop the yelling, to change our authoritative parenting style…I'm a week in and while it certainly hasn't been easy, nor has it gone perfectly, our home, by God's grace, is a more peaceful place.
Thank you for sharing this. Reading it challenged me {and my husband, as I shared your post with him}, a fellow homeschooling mama of 5 blessings, to rethink my mothering–to stop the yelling, to change our authoritative parenting style…I'm a week in and while it certainly hasn't been easy, nor has it gone perfectly, our home, by God's grace, is a more peaceful place.